03-11-02
I guess a hot tub of water, a cup of piping hot chamomile tea, and some soft, soothing music would really be good for me right now. But instead, I decided to try to do this. (I'm really not sure why) I'm not sure of anything anymore. At one time, I thought I had my head on straight and knew all the facts, as follows:
1. I, and only I care what is best for me, So I will look out for myself 100% & learn to love it. I don't NEED anyone.
2. All men are a burden. Either they are someone for you to take care of (mother, nurse, cater to, and provide for), or they are someone who wants to own and posess you along with their other "goodies" they have caged up in collections.
3. Til death do us part. God expects us to stand by the spouce of our youth through good or bad, right or wrong, even if it means spending your entire life with someone whom you have nothing in common with, ESPECIALLY if you are a woman. A woman is to be obediant unto her husband, even if she doesn't like him or approve of his ways.
What a sorry philosophy to live by!!! My God! What have I been thinking? That is a good waste of life - and life is short. Should we really try to brainwash ourselves into believing we don't need passion or comfort in our lives? Should we waste one precious moment on only caring for ourselves "because nobody else will"? Has my head really been that out of focus? Or is it getting out of focus now? I am one confused individual. Why on earth, at age 40, am I starting to miss something I have never really had? Perhaps I am halusinating about something that doesn't really exist. A friend said a phrase that has haunted me; "It's all in your head, girl!". Good possability. Sure, it is. It is in my head, and in my heart. I knew my head was there (for what it's worth), but what has made me panic is that I didn't know I still had a heart. Sure, I did, toward my family, children, the elderly, etc. I have always been a softy concerning these matters. But I didn't think I had a heart for passion. I am exhausted at this time and really rambling on. I didn't sleep much at all last night, and was SURELY not Ms. Sunshine at work today. I guess I was a little rude with coworkers at times. I didn't intend to be. It is just that when you think you have every thing figured out down to a science (My life is for work, taking care of others, surviving one day at a time, etc.) and you suddenly realize that you have NOTHING figured out, that you don't WANT to survive one day at a time, you want to LIVE life; it's a scary awakening. Kind of like having someone wake you from a coma, I guess. You are glad they did, but still scared of "what now?". Am I making any sense at all? Probably not. Guess I have made a point at least, to be sitting here doing this without one interuption so far. But I AM beat. It is only 8:45PM and I think I could almost go to sleep after my shower...almost. I'll grab it, wake up, and probably be up for the night. I have really looked a mess today. I didn't even notice until I had been at work a few hours. I think I think entirely too much. Well, guess I'll go grab that shower.
SEEYA!
03-15-02(In Hot Water)
Well, I didn't get that shower the last time I was here. I took that hot bath after all. But a lot was missing from it. No music. I didn't even bother with candles that time. I am SURELY not myself at all right now. Still have that dangerous "What the heck" attitude. For a day or so, that's okay - rest a restless spirit. But this has been going on so long now that I am losing trust in myself. I have never been a person to "settle" with anything other than exactly what I want in life, but sometimes desperate times make us act out of carachter. I simply don't trust my own judgement right now. Two days ago, someone asked me out to dinner and I said "Sure!". He said "Friday evening?". I said "Okay. SeeYa then". Of course, this is Friday evening, and I didn't go. I knew as soon as I said okay and he left that I wouldn't. As soon as I agreed, I asked myself "Why did you say that? You always say no." Maybe it was an ego thing. The guy looked like he stepped out of a Harlequin book. When he called the store today, I told him I wasn't going and just told him the truth (sort of). That I don't know why I said yes to start with because I am happily married and never go out. I said I guess it was just a touch of spring fever and laughed. He said he was disappointed because he had made reservations for two at Olive Garden. Glad I didn't keep that spring fever. Could have really messed up. THAT is not what I really want. Sure, I was flattered. So what. I ALWAYS say no when asked out. I am simply not living up to my code of conduct. But my big brother told me something years ago that applies here. It's no big deal if you let a bird fly over your head now and then. But it's your fault if you let it build a nest in your hair. Unfortunately, I have a nest built in my hair that no dinner invitation (or anything else) can distract me from for long. Don't know what I'll do about it, if anything, but that nest is already there. I just have to be careful not to set it on fire. THAT would not be the smart way to deal with it. Just wanted to return here to say I am still pretty much in the same boat. Feel like I am on some kind of emotional roller coaster. Gotta keep on smiling this coming week, though, even when I feel like crying. If I can do that, I THINK I'll be back up again by week's end....I hope. Time is good medicine. I KNOW I won't be saying "Sure!" off the top of my head to any more propositions. THAT was totally out of carachter. I don't know; maybe I did it for shock affect. A lot of eyes got big when I accepted. Maybe I'm just tired of being so predictable. Or maybe I'm just tired. Gotta hit the hay. I worked 10-7 today & have to be back at 9AM. Haven't really got anything done here tonight, although I've had the house to myself. There was a time when, with this much time home alone, I would have had everything shining. But... back to the same old by tommorrow, so why not take R&R this evening. Besides, I worked all day, didn't get home until 7:30 and tommorrow is our busiest day of the week. GOTTA rest enough to get up and put on a smile in the morning. Who knows; it just may be a wonderful day.
Til next time.
03-16-02
Well, it is actually 3-17 now, as it is 12:35AM. Today DID go just fine at work. No major events to speak of. Just a typical busy Saturday. I ran the cash register all day. Didn't mind it a bit, because it was hot here today and I just turned the fan my way and "kept my cool". One of the new guys called in sick, but that was no big loss. He's pretty much a loafer anyway, and one of the new part-timers volunteered to stay in his place - a wonderful trade off. Other than that, everything was business as usual.
I have really chilled out a lot this evening. I'm pretty exhausted and have to be at work at 10:30AM, so I won't be here long. STILL haven't really caught up any of my household chores. I am just too tired to care much. Don't know if it's as much from hard work as it is from thinking too much. So...that stops now. None of us have any way of knowing what tommorrow holds, and I really believe worry makes wrinkles and frowns. Enough of that. I guess we all lose sight of reality occasionally. There are always times when the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. The problem with that is, if you jump the fence, you usually end up to your neck in fertilizer. YEP! That's generally what makes that grass look so green.LOL!
Gotta get my dishes finished and get to bed. I think I could go to sleep right now, but those dishes won't wash themselves. I was just too tired to do it earlier, so I got a little laundry done, and a little chatting with a friend on the phone (about 2 hours worth!). Take care. Chris
03-18-02
Can't stay. Just came to print a correction on my last post. I got an email from my buddy today, informing me we didn't talk 2hrs. on the phone - it was 3 1/2 hours! Time flies with someone you care about, and flies even faster with someone who cares right back! Thanks, friend. You are becoming more precious to me every day. Stay as wonderful as you are and you will ALWAYS be loved and admired. You have been EXTRA special to me since I lost Mom. Thanks for the shoulder and for putting up with my confused ramblings. I am fine now. Knew you were wondering, and knew you would be checking in here. THIS means more than you know. LUVYA! Chris
03-20-02
While cleaning out my closet the other day, I found something I hadn't seen since 1993. Actually, I've cleaned my closet since then, but this had found it's way behind a board and was tucked in as though it had hidden there. It is a poem I wrote back then, had searched my closet for it, and finally gave it up as lost forever. Never could remember the words, only that I THOUGHT it was one of the most powerful things I had ever written and hated I lost it. My friend liked it so well she sent me a link to a poetry contest & said I should enter it. They required it be shortened, and I think it needs to stay as is. So, I didn't enter it. Instead, I decided to share it here. Here it is.
COCAINE
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am the lady of the hour.
I can bring strong men to their knees
When I release my seductive power.
All you loving wives;
You'll never hold your man.
One kiss from me & I'll steal him away.
Most of you know that I can.
But I am not biased.
I can take a woman's love, too.
Men, women, & children;
I lust for all of you.
Once you are mine
‘til death do us part.
First I play with your mind.
Then I steal your heart.
If you ever do get away,
Then I will be here waiting.
If you return to me once,
We WILL resume our mating.
I have no mercy on your children.
I sympathize not with their pain.
All that I want is more power.
For I am the mighty COCAINE!
Written by © Crystal
You know, cocaine is not the only addictive thing in this world - there are many addictions. There is alcohol, pornography, overeating, several drugs, and my three personal favorites; caffiene, nicotene, and passion. What are yours? You don't have to answer me, but for your own sake, ask YOURSELF this question. I think my strongest weekness is the one for cigarettes - at least I WANT to think that is the worst. Maybe it's the one I want to give up the most, anyway. My coffee? NEVER! I WON'T let it go! Passion? Ahhh. My weakest point. Thought I had it under control, but do I? Not looking at the last two pages of this diary. Looks more like it has had me under control. I plan to get a better grip on myself in the future.
Best of luck to you and yours! Chris
